Monday, March 08, 2021
The big event at MGH yesterday was not my infusion. The big one was when the nurse came over to my chair an hour or so into the infusion, where I was groggily snoozing thanks to the benadryl they gave me, set down a urine specimen cup and a packet of alcohol swabs and announced they needed a "clean catch" of urine for growing a culture. No problem, I would just wait until the next pee urge which occurs about every 32 seconds it seems (reason for clean catch). Soon it came but I could tell right off I was in trouble, the lag time between the signal and needing to let fly was going to be dangerously short. I ripped off my BP cuff, and as I struggled to exit my reclined chair, a Charlie Horse started up in my calf. Oh, shit" I thought with visions of me hopping and groaning around the room while pissing myself in front of the nurses and other patients. Miraculously old Charlie dissipated quickly so I grabbed the rituximab drip stand and headed toward the can but forgot the stand was plugged in. My nurse spotted me and came to help. I told her I had to pee and she could see it was serious by the crazed look in my eyes and the beads of sweat on my brow. As I rolled my tower toward the bathroom I could feel that warm, yellow river start to flow, but only slightly. Once in the bathroom I thrashed around with my fly while trying to open the urine jar. I gave up when I couldn't get the alcohol swab packet open. Then the flash flood hit. Most of it went in the toilet but a few gallons found its way down my leg, moistening my shorts and pants considerably. Fuck me! I pissed myself! I took off my shoes and pants and dried off with paper towels. I wrapped my soggy shorts in paper towels, and crammed a wad of them in the crotch of my pants. Fuck, Fuck Fuck! If I left my shirt untucked the big wet spot on my pants might not be so visible. Wait, I have to get a "clean catch" sample! Somehow I managed to pull it off and save the embarrassment of facing the nurse with a wet crotch and an empty sample bottle. I jammed my towel encased wet shorts into my pocket and rolled my tower back out into the clinic. The nurse followed me to my chair to help hook things back up but I had to unload the shorts into my backpack first without drawing her suspicion. I pulled that off with a deft pivot away and a dunking of shorts into my pack. I spent the last two hours of the infusion with slightly moist crotch and wondering if I reeked of piss.
